


Love Letters From Stanford

by anastiel



Series: Words I'll Never Say [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Gen, Letters, Love Letters, M/M, Pining, Series, Stanford Era, Temporarily Unrequited Love, Words I'll Never Say verse
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-09-24
Updated: 2015-09-24
Packaged: 2018-04-23 03:12:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 822
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4860842
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anastiel/pseuds/anastiel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A collection of letters Sam wrote to Dean while at Stanford; letters addressed but never sent to their recipient. Some are kept, hidden beneath piles of clothes at the bottom of a dusty duffel bag and others are scrunched into tiny balls, angrily tossed into the garbage.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Love Letters From Stanford

**Author's Note:**

> Companion to my 2015 Wincest Big Bang: [Words I'll Never Say](http://archiveofourown.org/works/4761533/chapters/10887446)

August 12, 2001

Dear Dean,

I’m one hundred and four miles away from you. There’s an old man sitting next to me on the greyhound, he smells like cheap cigarettes and whiskey. He makes me think of you and that one time I caught you smoking a pack of Marlboros underneath the bleachers at the high school in Nebraska. You didn’t care that I caught you, instead you handed me a cigarette and laughed when I nearly coughed up my lungs. I know smoking is bad, but you looked pretty sexy and I didn’t feel like such a little kid when I was doing something so grown-up with you.

Anyway this guy, Harold is his name, keeps pulling out a tattered old copy of the Bible and flipping to dog-eared pages and reading for a couple minutes. Then he takes a drag off his cigarette, a shot of whiskey out of his flask and puts the book back into his bag. He’s an enigma and he reminds me of myself. I’ve been talking to him a bit, just polite conversation, the weather and where we are both headed. He’s on his way to L.A. to meet his girlfriend he met in some chat room online and I told him I’m headed to Stanford to go to college, to law school. Harold was impressed and patted me on the shoulder. I didn’t tell him that I was also running away from being in love with my big brother, that’s the kind of thing you keep to yourself and let it eat you alive. It’s easier that way.

I can’t stop thinking about you and I can’t stop thinking about the devastation on your face as the bus pulled away from the station. My back still feels warm from when you hugged me goodbye and the tear-stains you left on my jacket linger, dark dots on brown fabric. I wish you could have come with me.

I’m sorry for hurting you, I know me leaving broke you and I hope you’ll be able to recover. I think you will, as long as you don’t go on some suicide mission first. It’s better this way than me being there to see you find out that I’ve been in love with you for the past six years. You have a valid reason to hate me now, congratulations. I hate myself for doing this to you and for letting my feelings go on for as long as they have. Even though I know it’s a worthless mission, I’m working on getting them to fade a bit. I just wanna be normal and be normal with you. Maybe, if you don’t hate me, you could come visit me at Stanford. We can go out for burgers, watch a movie, do something like normal brothers do and ignore the fact that I’m a perverted freak. I want you in my life Dean, I do, I just gotta get over myself and find a new notch to fit you into. One that isn’t so big and so tangled up with lust, unadulterated devotion and repressed sexual feelings.

Honestly though, with every mile I get away from you, the pressure on my shoulders and weight pressing down on my heart starts to lessen. I kind of feel like I’m climbing out of a huge dirt hole in the ground and I’ve finally found a steady grip on a tree root to pull myself up and out of. I’m not drowning anymore, I’m finally free.

Don’t get me wrong, I miss you already, I missed you the moment your face faded away into the blue sky, but there’s a kind of relief in not having to watch my every move and every thought around you, worried that you will find out about my awful secret. But, despite all this, I hope you know that no matter what happens between us after you read my journal; I will always love you, always. Nothing and no one will ever change that. You’re the most important person in my life, and you always will be.

It’s dusk now and the sun is setting beautifully over the horizon, orange and twinges of golden yellow. I can barely see my writing on the paper, so I’m gonna have to cut this short. Go drink a few, don’t get too drunk though and don’t beat yourself up over this. Me falling in love with you isn’t your fault, it was bound to happen, nothing you could’ve done would have prevented this. Don’t worry too much about me, I’ll be alright eventually. Don’t be stupid, Dean, be safe when you hunt and don’t go off by yourself. Maybe try taking some time off for a while go meet a nice girl and try to get out of the life that ---- Fuck, who am I kidding, I don’t want you to do that.

Goddamnit, I was doing so well.

 


End file.
